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What is Your Closeness Comfort Zone?

Why do they pull away, when you get too close?  Or maybe you're the one who need space, at times.

We all want to be loved.  But, we each have different comfort zones for how much closeness feels good.    

So, how do you balance that out in your relationship?

• There will always be times when your partner can't be there for you.  That's why it's good to have friends and others to turn to.  You'll get some of your needs met.  And you’ll be less likely to overwhelm your partner, when they're ready to reconnect.  

• If you're the one needing space, remind your partner that you care.  But, let them know, you just need a little time to yourself.  Then when you're ready, you can reach out and reconnect.  But, it's really important to take time for yourself when you need it.  Or, you're likely to shut down in the relationship. 

You're never going to be in sync at all times.  But, if you can give each other breathing room when you need it, you'll reconnect faster. 

Some partners have very different closeness comfort zones, that's a different story.  But, most of the time, if you respect your different needs, you can find your way back to each other.  

Take good care of yourself and each other.  

Vondie

p.s.
We'll be talking about your Closeness Comfort Zoneat our next Relationship Talk, Saturday, June 6th, 3:00 - 4:30 p.m. at the Village Book Shop in Glendora.  For more information, just click here. 

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Are you an Introvert or an Extrovert? And what does that mean for your relationship?

I really enjoyed our recent talk at the Village Book Shop.  And I'm excited to let you know -- we'll be back on the 1st Saturday of every month!

During our last talk, we looked at differences between men and women; especially when it comes to dating, fighting and sex. 

On May 2nd, we'll be talking about how your personality style affects your relationship and your relationship choices, such as:  

• Do you need more time alone or more time with lots of people?
• Is it better for you to trust your "gut" or would you rather way "pros and cons"?
• Are you more of a "heart" person or a "head" person?
• Do you like to plan ahead and be organized? Or would you rather be spontaneous and flexible?

I know these all sound like random things.  But, when you put it all together, it can tell you a lot about yourself and your relationships. 

We'll also talk about who you might be attracted to and who would be a good fit for you. 

And for those of you in a relationship, we'll look at -- why the things you initially loved about your partner might be driving you crazy now! 
 
I have to admit, this is a really fun Talk.  Plus, you can bring your partner or friends and learn more about them.   :)

Hope to see you there!

Saturday, May 2nd
3:00 - 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora
($10 at the door)

For more information,  just click here. 

Take Good Care,

Vondie

http://www.vondiecounseling.com/
  
Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

It's official... We'll be getting together to talk about how to "Get the Love You Really Want!"

 I'd love to have you join us next Saturday, March 28th to talk about:

• How to find the good guys and screen out the "players"       

• How to find common ground, even though men and women fight and love differently!

We can also talk about other topics that are important to you.

If you haven't already voted on what you'd like to discuss, it's not to late to take our web poll.  Just click here. 

You can also let me know how often you'd like to get together.

We'll be meeting at the Village Book Shop:

Saturday, March 28th
3:00 - 4:30 p.m.
($10 at the door)

Feel free to bring a friend, partner, coworker... or anyone else that might want a little relationship help. 

I can't wait to see you there!

Take Good Care,

Vondie :)

p.s.
I was interviewed last week by the Highlander Newspaper.  (It's the insert in the San Gabriel Valley Tribune about upcoming events in our area.)  The article's about our talk on March 28th.  It should be in this week's edition, which comes out Thursday, March 19th.  (I'm excited and a little nervous to see what it says.  :)

http://www.vondiecounseling.com/
 
copyright 2009

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Would you like to get together?

I didn't get a chance to do my Valentine's Talk this year, with everything that was happening with me personally.  But, now that life is returning to normal (my mom is doing better and the boyfriend isn't working so much), I've started thinking about getting together. 

I love getting your comments on the blog.  But, I was thinking... I'd love to actually see you and hear about your relationships in person.  

Our next Relationship Talk will be Saturday, March 28th. 

The cost is $10.00.  And we’ll meet from 3:00 to 4:30 p.m. at the Village Bookshop in Glendora (125 N. Glendora Ave.) 

We’ll be talking about – How to Get the Love You Really Want!

But, I wanted to check in with you and get your input. 

I'd like to know how often you’d like to get together and which topics, you'd be most interested in talking about, such as:

• how to find a good relationship (ie. first date topics, red flags)
• how to keep a good relationship
• communication differences between men and women
• sexual differences between men and women
• how to fight fair
• how to have closeness
• how to set boundaries
• personality differences (ie, thinker/feeler, organized/spontaneous)
• how our families-or-origin affect our relationship

If you'd like to give your input and and/or see what others want, just click here to vote.

I can't wait to hear from you and see you soon!

Take Good Care,

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

We Need To Be There For Each Other

I hope your new year is off to a good start.  Mine has been good, but not without it's challenges.

Last month my mom was in the hospital.  And this month, my boyfriend is working 12+ hours a day. 

We've each had a hard time in our own way.  And we don't have enough time together. 

I read A General Theory of Love over the holidays.  It's about the science of attachment/relationships.  They talk about how important our relationships are.   

When we feel like we miss our loved ones, it's because we really need them.  At a core level, they actually "regulate" us in important ways. 

Most of us know our loved ones affect our emotional health.  They provide care and comfort and reassurance when we need it.  And when we don't get those things, we really feel it. 

But, we may not realize that the impact goes even deeper.  They also help stabilize us physically.  So, when they're gone, we can lose sleep or even get sick.

And we need them even more, when we're under stress. 

That's why it's so important to: 

• Make time for each other.*  We can't develop and keep that bond if we don't have enough time to just be together.  That's how we stay tuned-in to each other.  That's how we know what's going on with the other person and what we each need. 
  

• Take care of each other (It's not 50-50.  It's 100-100.)*  That's why it can't be, "You do your share, and I'll do mine."  We both have to be "all-in."  Because sometimes, it's not even.  But over the long haul, if we take care of each other, we'll both be happier. 
  

A deep attachment relationship isn't a luxury.  It's essential, if we want to be healthy and happy.  And, it enables us to survive the rest of life's ups and downs. 

So, the best way to really take care of ourselves is -- to be there for each other and take care of each other.  

My boyfriend and I are doing our best with his long hours.  And, my mom is doing better, which is a big relief.  But, I'm really looking forward to things getting back to normal.  

I'd love to hear how you are "there for each other" and how that gets you through the ups and downs of life. 

Just click on comments, below.

Take Good Care of Each Other,

Vondie

*A General Theory of Love, by Lewis, Amini, & Lannon.  (Chapter 9, A Walk in the Shadows, "the dynamics of duos")

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Remember To Celebrate The Little Victories

As we approach the holidays and get ready for a new year, it's normal to think about where we are in our lives.  We look back at the past year and we think about the year ahead.   

But, sometimes, when we look back, it's easy to compare ourselves to other people.  We start thinking about our relationships and our lives compared to how we think theirs are.    

Or sometimes, we don't even compare ourselves to real people.  We compare ourselves to hallmark commercials or people we see on t.v. and we think their lives look better than ours. 

And we end up feeling bad about ourselves. 

But, I've love the saying that --"the only appropriate comparison is between where we are now and where we've come from."

We stop comparing our lives to what we think other people's lives are like.  And instead, we look at ourselves now, compared to where we were before. 

We all work so hard and expect so much of ourselves, it's easy to focus on what we'd like to change in ourselves and our lives.  And there's nothing wrong with that.  It's good to have goals and to work toward them. 

But, sometimes, it's good to remember how hard you try and to celebrate the little victories.  Like, maybe this year, you took some risks in your relationship: 

• Maybe you tried speaking up more

• Or maybe you listened more

• Or maybe you set some boundaries

• Or maybe you risked getting closer

Whatever you did differently to try to have a better relationship, that's a risk.  It's also a step toward having the kind of relationship and life you really want. 

So, as you get ready for the holidays and think about the year ahead, I hope you can give yourself some credit for who you are and where you are today.  Because you deserve it. 

And I do wish you a Very Merry Christmas and a Bright and Happy New Year.

Love & Blessings,

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

I'd love to come and share with you!

I love helping you discover how you can have the relationship you really want. 

I recently spoke to students at the University of La Verne about -- how our personality styles affect our relationships.

Some of the things we talked about were:

• How our different styles attract us to each other and then drive us crazy!
  

• Why it's important to have some things in common, especially values and how you look at the world

• Why relationships with too much chemistry might not work out
  

• What kind of relationship might be a good fit for you

• How to appreciate each other's differences

If you'd like me to come and share with your group, I'd love to do it! 

I'd be happy to visit your class, church/community group, or group of friends.  We could even do a "girls-night-out." 

Just call me at 626.215.2527 and we'll set it up.

Can't wait to hear from you and see you soon!

Take Good Care,

Vondie :)

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

How Do You Find Your Way Back To Each Other?

"You sort of stumble along and reconnect and lose each other and reconnect again." 

That's Felicity Huffman's response (Lynette from Desperate Housewives), when she was recently asked about her successful marriage.* 

And it's one of the best descriptions I've ever heard -- of a good relationship.

Being in a good relationship doesn't mean things are always great (that's Hollywood).  It doesn't mean things are dramatic and tumultuous (that's Hollywood, too).

It means -- sometimes you're close ... then you fight ... then you work things out ... then you're close again ... and then you start all over again.  

Hopefully there's more closeness than fighting.  And, when you're close, you remember how much you really love each other.  And, when you fight, you don't do or say things you can't take back. 

But, it can be reassuring to realize that it's okay to "stumble along" and "lose each other," as long as you find your way back to each other again.

So, how do you find your way back to each other?  Sometimes, it can help to try:

• Listening to what he's saying.  Even if you know you're right and he's wrong, try  putting yourself in his shoes.   Whatever he's upset about is really important to him.

• Not replaying how and why you feel wronged, over and over in your head.  That's only going to make things worse.*  (See Gottman's Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, for more on this.) 

• Taking time to cool off.  It helps you put things in perspective.  Then whatever you were fighting about becomes less important.  Plus, you start to miss each other.  

• Remembering, he's doing his best.  He may be having a bad day.  He may be under stress at work.  Sometimes, it helps to remember that things aren't always about us.

• Appreciating what he does do.  He might not do exactly what you want, when you want him to do it.  But, there may be other things he does for you, that you don't even think about.  It's important to remember he's trying and not take that for granted.  
  

Of course, this doesn't mean you let him treat you bad or blame you for things that aren't your fault.  And you do need to work though whatever you were fighting about, so it doesn't keep happening.  But, first, you have to get to the place where you want to reconnect, before you'll even be ready to try.

I'd love to hear how you find your way back to each other. 

Just click on Comments below. 

Take Good Care of You and Him,

Vondie

*To read more of the Felicity Huffman article, see the September issue of More.

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

It Takes A Village To Have A Good Relationship

Sometimes, I joke with my boyfriend and say, "I don't have friends anymore."

It's not exactly true.  But as we've gotten more serious, my focus has definitely shifted from friends, to him and our relationship. 

We spend most of our free time together.  And, we're also starting to have more of a couple's social life, where we're spending time with others, together. 

In Judith Wallerstein's book, The Good Marriage*, she found that people in good marriages weren't just close to each other, they were also connected to their communities. 

They had outside interests and friends, for themselves and as a couple.  In other words they didn't live in isolation.   

It's important to make your relationship a priority.  But, since no one person can ever meet all your needs (my boyfriend wants me to have more friends :), it's also important to have other people you can turn to. 

And not just for support.  It's good to have other people to have fun with, on your own and as a couple. 

I love to get your input.

So, how do you and your partner stay connected to the rest of the world, on your own, or as a couple?  Or do you? 

Just click on Comments (below) to share.  

Vondie

p.s. *To read more about this, check out Judith Wallerstein's book, The Good Marriage.  

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Why Do We Have To Fight?

Nobody likes to fight.  And it’s never feels good while it’s happening.  But, fighting can actually be good for your relationship.  Two different people are never gonna agree on everything.  So, if we never fight, something’s wrong. 

The problem isn’t that we fight, but how we fight*. 

Here are some tips to help you FIGHT FAIR. 

• Use “I” statements. “I feel…” “I need…” “I want…” Instead of “You make me so …”
  

• Stick to the topic at hand. Don't bring up last week, last month, last year. And try to avoid words like "always" and never." 

• Take a time out.  Give a time-out. When things get heated it's really important to take a break and cool off. This is especially important for men, who “flood” (feel angry and like they need to get away) more quickly than women*.
  

• Don't shut the other person out.  And remember to call a time-in to finish discussing the issue. Because when women feel shut out, that's when they "flood" (feel panicky and/or angry)*.

• Don't go below the belt.  Don't go for the jugular. You know your partner's sensitive spots more than anyone else. Don't say something in the heat of the moment, that you'll regret later.
  

• Know when to say "STOP."  Let the other person know when they've gone below the belt and that it's -- NOT OKAY.

If you need to talk about stuff from the past, or if you aren't able to fight fair, it might be time to ask a counselor for help.  

Remember, the goal is -- for both of you to get what you need, without damaging each other or the relationship. 

In fact, the real goal is to find ways to be happy together.  That's why fighting fair can actually bring you closer. 

So, take good care of yourself and your relationship. 

Vondie

p.s. *To read more about this, check out John Gottman's book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. 

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Finding A Good Relationship Doesn't Have To Be So Hard

I'm teaching the Young Adulthood: Love & Work  class at ULV this summer. 

And I can tell that some of the students are feeling like -- this whole relationship thing is just way too complicated. 

But, it doesn't have to be.

Some basic things to keep in mind are:

• Keep your eyes open-- to red flags; like lying, cheating, drinking, commitment issues (this includes keeping commitments to call you, get together, etc.)  
  
  
• Keep an open mind -- to guys who may not necessarily be your "type", but who may be worth a second look.  This means taking a chance on a good guy (and by good -- I mean nice, not icky, there's a difference.)
  
  
• Trust your gut -- if he makes you doubt yourself, or feel bad in any way, that's not good.  But, if you feel comfortable with him and enjoy being with him, that's very good.   
  
  
• Trust your close friends-- if you have friends who are in good relationships, ask them how they meet their guy and/or ask them to fix you up.  You can trust that they'll have your best interests at heart.  

Sometimes, we settle for less than we deserve, without even realizing it.  We think we're asking for too much.  Or that someone we'd really want, wouldn't want us. 

That's just because we don't realize how much we have to offer.  And we haven't experienced a good relationship, yet.  But, we can.  It just means we have to do things a little differently. 

Because, if we keep doing what we've always done in the past, we'll keep getting what we've always got. 

So, Remember To -- Take Good Care of You,

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Sex And The City: Why can't they work on their relationships?

I saw Sex and the City yesterday. 

It was worth the $8.50 (I went to a matinee.)  But, I have to admit, I was a little disappointed.  It just seemed like the story lines were so simplistic. 

IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET, DON'T READ ANY FURTHER!!!

Charlotte and Harry are obviously happy, which is great.  (She chose a "good guy."  :)

Carrie and John (I didn't know Big had a name) struggle with his commitment issues.  They don't really get addressed, but at least they find a way to make it to the altar (eventually).

But, what really bothered me was the way they approach the other two relationships. 

After Steve's affair, Steve and Miranda's only options are to break-up or "move on without looking back."

And for Samantha and Smith, it's break-up or stay in a relationship that compares to "chemo."

The movie makes it clear that Steve and Miranda have deeper issues that led to the affair.  And Samantha and Smith are dealing with his long work hours and no sex life. 

Both couples have "issues" that need to be worked on, but the movie doesn't explore them.  So, Miranda chooses to "move on without looking back."  And Samantha leaves the relationship.

Samantha believes she's just not meant to be in a relationship.  When maybe, she's just not meant to be neglected, in a relationship. 

And Steve and Miranda don't really deal with any of the things that led to the affair.  So, what's gonna prevent them from having trouble in the future?

I know it's Hollywood.  And I know I think too much. 

But, YOU KNOW, I want to hear what you think...

Just click on Comments (below), to share your thoughts and feelings or to read others' Comments.

Can't wait to hear from you. 

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

What Do You Do, When You Hurt The One You Love?

I've been cooking for my boyfriend, because it's important to him.  But, it hasn't been without a bit of pain -- actual pain.  I don't always pay attention to what I'm doing, so sometimes I cut or burn myself.  But, it's usually not a big deal. 

Well, the other night, it was my boyfriend that got burned instead of me. 

He went to help me move an oven rack.  But, before he did, he asked if the oven was off.  I thought it was and said, "yes."  But, it wasn't.  He grabbed the rack with his hand and got burned -- badly. 

He actually felt it "sizzle."

IT WAS AWFUL.

After we had his hand in ice water and he was over the shock of it; the hard part was dealing with the fact that I had really hurt him. 

He let me "doctor" him and do other things to make him more comfortable (like fixing him a snack and letting him surf the T.V. channels at full volume :).

And, I really appreciated it, A LOT.  I felt so bad and helpless to make him feel better, that I was happy to do anything to make it up to him. 

And, even though he was hurting, he didn't make me suffer any more than I had to.  He let me make-up and make-it-up to him as much as I could.

And that's a good sign. None of us are perfect.  And sometimes we're gonna hurt each other, even when we don't mean to.  (That doesn't mean we ignore unacceptable behavior or we let someone hurt us repeatedly.) 

But, it's a sign of a good relationship, if your partner accepts your attempts to reconnect after there's been a "break" in the relationship*. 

In other words, they let you make-up, without torturing you about it. 

So, once again, I'd like to hear from you.

How do and your partner reconnect, after you hurt each other?

Just click on Comments (below), to share your story and read other's stories. 

Take Good Care of Yourself and Each Other,

Vondie

p.s.  *To read more about this, check out John Gottman's book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. 

p.p.s.  The next day he was fine. 

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Is Your Relationship Fair?

Or do you sometimes feel like you give, way more than you get?

When I was doing interviews for my dissertation, one woman gave a great description of a fair relationship.  She said, "Things can't necessarily be equal-equal; but equitable, so that we're both satisfied with the deal." 

What she mean was, things aren't ever gonna be "even-steven" all the time. But, in a good relationship, things work out fairly for both partners, overall. 

Part of what makes a relationship fair is -- how we share and divide our responsibilities and resources, like:

• who does what around the house?
• who works outside the home and how much do they work?
• who takes care of the kids?
• who has more free time and how do they get to spend it?
• who keeps track of the money and how do we spend it?
• whose friends and family do we keep in touch with?

And most important -- who makes the decisions about how we divide or share these things?

It's never gonna be perfectly even.  But, over the long haul, it has to feel fair. Because if it doesn't, you'll start to feel bad. And then, you'll either get very sad or resentful or both.  

I know, no relationship is perfect.  But, a good relationship, and a good partner, doesn't just take, they also give to you.

You deserve to have the person you love, love you back.  And saying, "I love you" isn't enough.  It's a great start.  But, if their actions don't match their words, it doesn't work. They also have to act in ways that make you feel loved and cared for.    

If you'd like to some help to have a good relationship, I'd love to hear from you. 

Take Good Care of Yourself,

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

How To Get Him To Do What You Want!

I hope you've survived the winter blues.  I know we don't get really bad weather here in Southern California; but I sure am happy to have the sunshine back. 

I recently attended a talk by Paul McWilliams on the differences in male-female communication styles.

One of his recommendations to women was to use "short speeches," when you want your man to do something. 

He said men can easily feel controlled or dominated. 

So he suggested, when you want to get a man to do what you want, you ...

• walk by him ...
• mention it briefly ...
• keep on going ...

That way, he can do it, of his own accord, and in his own time, when he's ready.

So, of course, I had to try this out with my boyfriend. 

The next time I asked him to take out the trash, I didn't keep asking him when he was gonna do it. 

I asked him once, and then I stopped asking. 

Of course, I didn't stop thinking about it, but I didn't bring it up again. 

And what I noticed was ... when I stopped reminding him, he started reminding me ... that he hadn't forgotten about it. 

In fact, he let me know several times that he hadn't forgotten, and then later on, he took care of it.      

So, maybe he didn't do it right when I asked.  But, he didn't forget about it either. 

And, I think this way felt better, for both of us.  I didn't have to keep track of him.  And he knew that I trusted him to take care of it.

So, you guessed it!  I want to hear your thoughts, feelings, and stories on "short speeches" and/or "how you get him to do what you want!"

To post a Comment or read other's Comments, just click on Comments at the bottom of this Post. 

Can't wait to hear from you!

Vondie :)

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Do You Have The Relationship You Really Want?

A new year... Valentines' Day...

We can't help but think about our lives and if we have what we really want, especially in the relationship area...

• Do you ever feel like everyone around you is already married or starting a  family?


• Do you wish you could find someone special of your own?


• Do you ever worry that all the "good ones" are already taken?


• Do you sometimes feel intimidated by the "good guys," so you end up dating guys you know are wrong for you?


• Do you ever get involved too quickly and then regret it?


• Do you sometimes stay in a relationship, even when it's not really what you want?


• Or when you do find someone good, do you worry that it won't last?


• Do you ever feel clingy or needy in your relationships, and you're not sure why?


• Does it ever feel like an impossible dream -- to find someone to love, who will love you back?


• Do you ever feel like it shouldn't be this hard to find someone to share your life with?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, counseling can help. 

With care and support you can begin to explore what you'd really like in a relationship and how you can find that!

Isn't it time to have the relationship you deserve!

If you have any questions about counseling and how it can help you, I'd love to hear from you. 

Take Good Care of You,

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Finding Love In The New Year!

If one of your goals for the new year is to have someone special in your life.  And if your relationships aren't working out... maybe it's time to try something different. 

Sometimes, it can be as simple as changing where you're looking for love.

Andrew Whaling (formerly of Sunday Night Singles) talked about finding "your village."

What he meant was, in "long-ago times," when people lived in smaller towns and communities (villages), you knew a lot more about the people you were dating.  You probably knew their background, their family and what kind of person they were. 

In other words, you knew whether or not they were a "quality person."  There was also a good chance you'd have similar values.  Now, that we live in such a different world, you have to work hard to find a "quality person," who wants the same things out of life that you do.

But, according to Andy, once you've found "your village," in other words -- "your people," the hard part's over.

Then, all you have to do is find someone fun that you're attracted to.  And you've got the basis for a good relationship!

So, once you've identified who your people are, you just have to figure out where they are.  This might be different, depending on what's important to you in a relationship. 

"Your people" might be:

• at your school or church
• at the dog park
• working on a political campaign. 

But the point is -- find the places with the people that share your values and then start looking!  :)

I know, this is sort of the reverse of how we usually do it -- meet a guy (maybe in a bar) and then hope it turns into something real...

Now don't get me wrong, if you just want fun, go for it.  But my experience is that the bar-guys don't usually end up "fun" for very long and there's usually a high price to pay for the "fun."

The truth is, we usually know what we really want -- and that's someone good to share our life with.  But, sometimes, we're afraid to go for it.  Or maybe we just aren't sure how to get there from here.

If you'd like a little help and support to find your "good guy," you might be interested in the next Relationship Counseling Group.  It starts February 4th.  (It's also open to good guys. :) 

I'd love to have you join us!

Wishing you a New Year filled with all the love you deserve!

Vondie :)

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Feeling Alone This Holiday Season? It Doesn't Have To Be Like This!

Being single during the holidays is definitely no picnic. 

But, sometimes being in a relationship, that doesn't feel good, can even feel worse. 

With all the holiday get-togethers, we can find ourselves acting like everything's okay, even when it's not.  Or we don't want to tell our friends and family how we're feeling or how things really are.  Because we know what they'll say. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying relationships never go through ups and downs or that they should feel good all the time.  That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about a relationship, that may have started out good, but now feels BAD most of the time.

So, why do we stay in relationships that feel bad?

• We're attached.  As women, once we get physical, we bond.  So, even if the relationship doesn't feel good, the thought of ending it sometimes feels worse.


• We believe the person, we fell in love with, is still in there somewhere.  And he may be.  Or it could be that this is who he really is.


• We don't realize we deserve (and can have) so much more!  Sometimes, we think this is "as good as it gets."  Or maybe we think we're asking for too much.  So, we give-up on what we really wanted in a relationship and try to make the best of a bad situation.

If you're in a relationship that feels bad, more than it feels good, remember -- it doesn't have to be like this! 

It's not asking too much to want someone to love -- who will love you back!

You deserve a relationship that feels good (most of the time).  You deserve someone who knows they're lucky to have you in their life.  So, don't sell yourself short.  Or as Greg Behrendt says in He's Just Not That Into You -- "Don't waste the pretty!"

You deserve someone good to share your life with!

Wishing You The Holiday And The Relationship You Deserve,

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Why Is It So Hard To Find Someone Good To Share Your Life With?

I can't believe the holiday season is already starting. 

Sometimes, this can be a hard time time to be single. 

When everyone seems to be part of a couple or a family;  it's normal to wish you had someone you belonged to, who belonged to you. 

So, why is it so hard to find someone good to share your life with?

• Sometimes we haven't learned how.  Maybe we haven't seen or experienced a good relationship.  So, we settle for less without even realizing it. 


• Or maybe we've been hurt.  So we have trouble trusting or risking.


• Or maybe we're too trusting with the wrong guys.  And we don't know how to spot "red flags."

Sometimes, we just need a little help to have the relationship we deserve...

If you'd like a little help to have the relationship you deserve, I'd love to hear from you. 

And remember ...

Take Good Care of You (especially during the holidays),

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Finding Your Good Guy! (Yes, He Really Is Out There!)

When I was "out there" dating, it all seemed like such a mystery.  How did people get into good relationships?  How did they find someone to share their lives with? 

I wanted a good relationship.  But, I was a little intimidated by the "good guys."  I knew I didn't want the "icky guys."  And I always got hurt by the "hot guys."

So, what's a girl to do???

I tell the women I counsel, there's a big continuum between the guy you'd die if you had to kiss and the guy you're dying to kiss (you know what I mean?) 

In between are the "good guys"  -- guys you could have a real relationship with.

But, that's always a new idea.  Most of us tend to be attracted to the same type of "hot guy" over and over even though it never works out. 

In fact, I tell women, if you see someone and your eyes meet across the room -- "RUN" the other way. 

That's CHEMISTRY and if it hasn't worked for you in the past, there's a good chance, it won't work for you in the future.  But, we think the only alternative is the guy we'd never be attracted to.  And that's depressing. 

I'm not suggesting you go for the guy that repulses you.  That would definitely not work. 

But, we're missing the whole continuum in between. 

There's a whole group of guys out there you could have PASSION with.  It just may take a little time to develop.* 

But, the great part is -- it's real.  So, it's not gonna burn off in a couple months after the infatuation wears off.  In fact it can get better.  Because it's based on who they really are and who you really are. 

That's INTIMACY.  And isn't that what we're all really looking for? 

So, before you give up.  Try looking at things with fresh eyes.  And consider taking a risk on a "good guy."

Otherwise, there's a whole sea of men out there you may be missing.  And who knows ... your very own good guy could be right there waiting for you.

So, go get 'em girls!

Vondie :)

p.s. You know I always LOVE to hear your comments and stories...

*Andrew Whaling MFT who used to host Sunday Night Singles talked about this.  You can also read about it in Terry Gorski's Getting Love Right.

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

What Do You Do When You Want The Exact Opposite Of What He Wants?

My boyfriend and I just got back from vacation, and let's just say, it didn't go exactly as planned.  We were staying at a cabin in the Sequoia Forest at 7,000 feet.  And I was looking forward to a week of rest and relaxation surrounded by nature. 

We'd been assured no one had seen any bears or mountain lions in the area.  So, we were pretty surprised when a bear and her cub ran across the road in front of us on our first walk. 

The mother bear stopped and looked at us just long enough to make sure we weren't a threat.  It was probably only a few seconds; but trust me, when there is nothing between you and a bear, that can feel like a really long time. 

We went hiking every day and I was completely on edge.  The area was pretty remote and we hardly saw anyone else.  One person we did see reassured us that bears were rare and would run from you and mountain lions were even rarer. 

But, we saw lots of animal tracks, including some bear tracks and some we thought might be mountain lion tracks.  My boyfriend thought this was "cool" and he even hoped we'd see more wild animals. 

And midweek, just as I was starting to calm down, we learned not only were there LOTS of bears around because of the drought.  There was also a "big," "bold," "aggressive" mountain lion that had been seen in broad daylight in the area where we were staying! 

Well, that was it for me.  My boyfriend offered to cut our vacation short, and we came back the next day.  I felt bad about us leaving early.  He was loving the wilderness and it was beautiful.  But I knew I needed to take care of myself. 

So, what do you do when you need one thing and your good guy wants the EXACT OPPOSITE???

• Acknowledge your different desires.  My boyfriend was clearly in "Wild Kingdom" heaven and I was clearly afraid.


• Respect the other person's feelings or perspective.  We didn't do so well with this one.  He thought I was overreacting and I questioned his lack of fear.   


• Differentiate between wants and needs.  After we found out about the mountain lion, it was clear that I NEEDED to go, and my boyfriend got that. 

And I have to give him credit.  He only really understood what I was going through after we got back and talked more.  But, he was willing to cut our trip short anyway.

So, now that you've heard my vacation story, I want to hear your stories! 

How do YOU handle it when you want one thing and he wants the EXACT OPPOSITE???

Just click on comments (below).  I can't wait to hear from you! 

Vondie

p.s.
We finished the rest of our vacation in Glendora.   :)

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

"How To Find And Keep A Good Relationship" Talk & The Fall Relationship Group!

I can't believe summer's almost over!  It feels like it just started.  But, that might be because I haven't had my summer vacation yet.  :)   I'll be getting away later this month.  I hope you're getting a bit of vacation for yourself. 

I wanted to let you know about a couple upcoming events: 

• "How to Find and Keep a Good Relationship."   I love getting together for talks!  It's so much fun to get to share with you and hear your stories.  This talk will be Thursday, August 16th and it'll be hosted by "Parents without Partners."  The cost is $2.00.  $6.00 includes a spaghetti dinner!  RSVP to Trina at 626.332.9350 by Monday, August 13th.


• Fall Relationship Group. The Summer Relationship Group is morphing into the Fall Relationship Group and there are openings for new members!  This is a great time to share about relationships on a more personal level.  The group will meet Mondays at 7:30 in Glendora, beginning September 10th.   The cost is $50 per weekly group meeting.  (This includes a *free* pre-group session).  A $150 deposit is due September 3rd. 

Isn't it time to have the good relationship you deserve!

If you, or if anyone you know, has questions or would like to set up a *free* session, call me at 626.215.2527. 

I'll look forward to talking to you, or even better -- seeing you soon!

Enjoy the rest of your summer,

Vondie :)

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Why Summer Relationships Don't Work!

The Summer Relationship Group will be starting today and I'm really excited.  But, a funny thing happened on the way to starting the group. 

I got an email from someone at MTV about a new reality show on summer relationships.  They want to follow couples in relationships that'll be ending after the summer. 

I had to explain that my counseling group is meeting for the summer.  It isn't about summer relationships.  But, I could see why they were interested in the show; there would sure be potential for a lot of drama. 

Last month, I shared how women "commit with their bodies," whether they want to or not.  I've been asked what I meant by that. 

What I mean is that we bond emotionally when we get physical with someone.  That's why -- once your body is involved, it feels like your brain stops working.  I know, sometimes we think we can get physical "just for fun" and be "like a guy."  But it doesn't usually work out that way.  (It doesn't feel fun … after). 

That's why the whole NCMO (non-committal-make-out) and "hooking up" thing doesn't really work. 

I've heard men try to figure this out.  And, they're confused.  They don't understand why a woman and her friends try to prevent her from hooking up, while the guy and his friends will do almost anything to make it happen?  I've heard the women explain that it's her friends who'll have to listen to her and hold her hand "the morning after."   

In other words, women usually regret a one-night-stand, unless it turns into something real, like a relationship.

So, I guess I can see why they might want to do a T.V. show about summer relationships and their endings.  Because, even knowing the relationship's gonna end won't keep women from bonding. 

Just like knowing that he's not right for us or that it's not gonna work out, for other reasons, doesn't seem to matter.  Once we're in, we're pretty much in.  (And even if he's driving us crazy and we're driving our friends crazy, it can still be hard to get ourselves out!)  Which is why it sort of makes sense to get to know him as much as you can BEFORE you bond.  But, I know … "easier said than done." 

I'd LOVE to hear from you on this one.  Just click on Comments (below). 

Hope you're having a great summer!

Take Good Care of You,

Vondie :)

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Why Are Commitments Such A Big Deal? And Why Do Women And Men Approach Them So Differently?

Have you ever wondered why commitment is such a big deal for women?  Or why we approach commitments so differently than men do?

Because it is.  And we do. 

Women and men bond differently.

As women, we're more afraid of losing him.  I always say, "Where the body goes, the heart follows."  We commit with out bodies, whether we want to or not.  That's why we'll stay even when things aren't so great. 

Men, on the other hand, are more afraid of getting hurt.  Sometimes, we don't realize men are vulnerable, too (the good ones, anyway).  Plus, they don't bond physically, like we do.  They bond over time, as the relationship feels good to them.  So, if it doesn't feel good, they'd rather be alone. 

I actually think their way makes more sense, but I like being a girl …

So, what's a girl to do?

• Go slowly (especially in the physical area).  I know I say this A LOT.  But, if we get involved too quickly, it throws things off balance.  We get needy and then maybe a little "psycho."  Both of these really scare him A LOT.      


• Have a life.  Keep your friends and hobbies.  Remember, he's not your whole life, just an important part of it.

• Get to know him, for who he really is.  That way you can decide if you really want a commitment from him, or if it's just the commitment you really want.

I know, easier said than done.  But, you can reach out to your girlfriends for support.  Or maybe you could find a counselor or group to support you.  Hmmm… if that's the case, I just so happen to know of a good counselor and a good group.  :)

Take Good Care of You,

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Summer Relationship Group!

I know we all really do want to have a good relationship.  Sometimes, we do just need a little help.  So, if you'd like a little help, this is your chance!

The Summer Relationship Group is forming now! 

The group will meet weekly for an hour and a half.  This will allow for more personal interaction and sharing as we explore what works and doesn't work in relationships. 

We'll meet at 7:30 p.m. beginning June 18th (Monday).  The cost is $300 ($150, June; $150, July).  This also includes a *free* 30' session before joining the group. 

To set up your *free* 30' session, call me at 626.215.2527.  Or check out the Summer Relationship Group section to request more information.  (Space is limited.  So, don't delay!)

I'm looking forward to a great group! 

Vondie :)

p.s.
If you'd like some individual help to have the relationship you want, call me at 626.215.2527.  We can set up a *free* 30' session to discuss individual relationship counseling.

p.p.s.
I loved your Comments about TMI vs. Full-Disclosure!  If you haven't checked them out yet, just go to the April Newsletter and click on Comments.  (btw-- my boyfriend said it wasn't fair, because the picture I posted of my dog was a puppy photo and she looks like a stuffed animal.  I have to admit, she is still cute, but not quite that cute.  :)

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

When Is It TMI (Too Much Information) Too Soon? And When Is It Time For “Full-Disclosure?”

This newsletter is going to be interactive.  I want to hear from you!

We all know it’s not good to share too much too soon on a first date. TMI (Too Much Information) can scare off anyone.  But when does it become a problem to KEEP something from your partner?

Last weekend my boyfriend started rattling off a bunch of silly stuff that he thought I should know about him in the interests of “full-disclosure.”  It was funny at the time. 

But later on, I realized, there was something I needed to share with him.  Now, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t anything serious, at least not to me.  But, what’s no-big-deal to you can sometimes be a big deal for him.   And, I did know he wasn’t going to like it (which was probably why I hadn’t shared it in the first place). 

Anyway, I needed to let him know that I bathe my little (and very cute) dog in the kitchen sink.  (Right now, some of you are saying, “ugh… gross!” and some of you are saying, “so what?”  See what I mean ... no big deal to some, a very big deal to others.)

Now, in my defense, I did THINK about telling him last summer … after he made me separate the dog dishes from the people dishes… which involved buying new sponges for each … and requires washing the dog dishes by hand (since they are no longer allowed in the dishwasher!) 

Anyway, I thought if he doesn’t want the dog dishes near the people dishes, then he probably wouldn’t want the whole dog in the kitchen sink.  (Now, if you are not a dog-person, I’m sure this is obvious to you.  But I have surveyed my dog-friends and believe me – I’m not the worst!) 

But, since I couldn’t think of another way to wash my dog (my bathroom shower and sink wouldn’t work, for reasons I won’t go into).  AND I had to bathe the dog a lot, since my boyfriend is also allergic to fleas.  ANYWAY, since I couldn’t come up with a solution, I guess I just decided to “forget” to mention it to him. 

Well, needless to see, he wasn’t happy when I finally told him.  But, what also upset him was that I’d been “keeping it” from him. 

Now to his credit, he got over it pretty quickly, and we’re coming up with other solutions that we can both live with. 

But, here’s the interactive part. 

I want to hear from you. 

What is your idea of TMI (Too Much Information) too soon?  and/or WHAT do you think needs to be shared WHEN in the interest of “full-disclosure?”

Just click on Comments (below) to share your stories of TMI and/or "full-disclosure."

I can’t wait to hear from you!

Vondie

p.s.

isn’t she cute J

 

 

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

It's Good To Be Different As Long As We Ask What He Needs Every Once In A While!

January's newsletter was "It's Good to Be Different, As Long As We Speak Up!  This month's topic is "It's Good to Be Different, As Long As We Ask What He Needs Every Once In A While!" 

I know this doesn't sound as exciting.  Because let's face it, wouldn't it be nice if we could be with a guy who just wanted to do exactly what we want to do all the time!  But, that's not reality.  :)  Besides, part of a good relationship, is learning to take him into account, too.

Now, don't get me wrong.

I'm not suggesting that you forget about your needs or change who you are at any core level. 

We women are natural people-pleasers, so I don't want you to violate your boundaries or your values.  (And those of us who've been hurt or taken advantage of in the past, have to be extra careful that we aren't exploited in our relationships.) 

That's not what I mean. 

What I'm talking about is learning when it can be good to be flexible and generous. 

So, when you're with your "good guy," try asking him what he wants every once in a while.  He may not be comfortable asking for what he needs.  But, trust me, if you ask him, he'll quickly come up with a whole "laundry list" for you.  :) 

Sometimes, it can be simple things like:

• Cooking.  This is really important to my boyfriend.  So, even though I'm not big on cooking, I've been cooking more, because it means a lot to him.
   
• Sharing His Activities.  Men often bond through doing things together.  Remember to make time to do things he enjoys or to spend time with his friends/family, if that's important to him.  He'll be happier (and nicer :) if he gets to do what he wants sometimes, too.

But, all men aren't alike, so don't guess what he wants.  Just remember to ask him every now and then.  You never know.  His answer may surprise you. 

Wishing You a Happy Easter and Hoping the Easter Bunny Brings You Something or Someone Good. :)

Take Good Care,

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Why Is It So Hard To Find And Keep A Good Relationship?

First of all, let me say how great it was to be back at ULV for the Won't You Be My Valentine? Secrets to Finding and Keeping A Good Relationship talk this month. 

If you weren't able to make it, but want to read about the talk, check out the link under Talks/Teaching/Education.

The Campus Times article refers to the talk as "Relationships 101."

The truth is -- we all want to find and keep a good relationship, but many of us haven't learned how to do that.  In fact, as you've heard me say, many of us have learned the exact opposite of what we needed to learn to have a good relationship. 

So "Relationships 101" is actually a great title.  We need to learn what we didn't learn, either growing up or in our previous relationships.

In addition to the monthly newsletter, this month I also put together some basic guidelines in -- How To Find & Keep A Good Relationship.  (Email me, if you you haven't received your *free* copy.)

Here are a few suggestions from the list:

• What Doesn't Work: jumping into the relationship too quickly, forgetting about family and friends and/or forgetting about him



• What Does Work: developing the relationship gradually, keeping your connections with family and friends and making him a priority

You get the idea -- BALANCE -- taking it slow and getting to know the other person before you give too much of yourself away. 

And for us women, that particularly means going slowly in the physical relationship, because as we know "where the body goes the heart follows."

And even once you've found your good relationship, it's important to keep up your relationships with family and friends, while also making him a priority.

I know it sounds so simple, but knowing what works and doing what works don't always go together when it comes to relationships. 

So, sometimes it helps to be gentle with ourselves and remember "progress not perfection."  We don't have to do this perfectly, but hopefully we keep moving forward.

Take Good Care of You and Your Good Relationship,

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

It's Good To Be Different As Long As We Speak Up!

Here are some of the books I mentioned during the October talk... 

My favorites are Please Understand Me and The Good Marriage.  Gorski's Getting Love Right is also really good.  And I have to admit, He's Just Not That Into You can be a little racy, but it's really worth it to hear a guy's perspective on the this-never-works-out-but-it's-really-hot-(and painful)-while-it-lasts kind of guys! 

There's also a couple others I use in my ULV classes and/or recommend.  Hope you enjoy them.  :)

Speaking of getting a "guy's perspective", one of my favorite talk topics is gender differences, especially how men and women are different in relationships. 

The funny thing is ... no matter how much we talk about it, in real life, we still have trouble BELIEVING just how different we really are!

But, being different doesn't have to be a bad thing.  As long as we respect and care about each other's differences, it can be okay. 

In fact, it can be good.  It's part of what makes us interesting and attractive to each other.  After all, if we were exactly alike, we might as well be dating ourselves, and where's the fun in that?

But, the key is learning to tell each other what we need, especially if it's something the other person doesn't really "get." 

After all, men may not always care about the things we women care about.  But a good guy will care, if we tell him what we want or need.  And he will genuinely try to figure out what he can do about it. 

Remember, men are problem-solvers!  So, our part as women is to speak up!

• If something's important to you, tell him -- you might want to chat during the TV commercials, rather than watch him channel surf; or you may need a hand with dinner; or to get more personal ... maybe you need him to take things a little more slowly in your physical relationship.  Whatever it is, let him know.

• And then next week, when you need the same thing and you wonder why he isn't doing it (whatever "it" is), ask him again.  It isn't personal, sometimes men just don't think the way we do and he may need to be reminded.

• If you ask for what you need or want and he doesn't care or respond, that's different.  That's a RED FLAG.

It doesn't mean that guys have to meet our every want and need.  Some things need to be negotiated.  And some things aren't worth fighting about.  We have to "pick our battles." 

But a good guy will care about what's important to us.  (And we'll care about what's important to him.  :)  But, it's up to us to tell him what those things are. 

I know it can be hard to ask, especially when it feels like you've told him a million times.  Or when it's something you feel like he SHOULD KNOW without you having to say anything. 

But, give him the benefit of the doubt.  Remember a good guy may never "get" why certain things are important to you.  But, because he cares about YOU, he'll respond when you remind him.  And sometimes, he'll even remember on his own.  :)

Take Good Care of You and Your Good Relationship,

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Getting Through Those Holidays!

I know this week is the final holiday push and that you're really busy.  But, I just wanted to share some brief thoughts to hopefully help you get through it all a little more easily. 

When Harry Met Sally is my favorite movie, and one of my favorite lines is when Billy Crystal says: "Boy, the holidays are rough.  Every year, I just try to get from the day before Thanksgiving to the day after New Year's." 

It can be tough for anyone to get through the holiday madness without a "meltdown" of one sort or another.

And for those of us who just want to have a good relationship, it can be especially tricky. 

Sometimes, it can be helpful to give ourselves (and others) a break:

• "Damage Control" is what one of my friends once called it.  "Don't do anything to make things worse!"  If you're seeing someone, a holiday may not be the best time to have that big "Where-are-we-going-in-this-relationship?" talk.  The last thing you need is more emotional stuff on an already loaded day.



• If you're not seeing someone, remember to SMILE and TALK to those nice and interesting guys you'll be meeting at those holiday parties.  And don't forget to RUN AWAY from the this-never-works-out-but-it's-really-hot-(and painful)-while-it-lasts kind of guys!



• And be prepared to dodge those pesky holiday questions, like "So are you seeing anyone special?" "When are you gonna get married?" or "When are you gonna have a baby, you know your biological clock is ticking."  Come up with some nice one-liners and make a break for it, when well-meaning family and friends start putting on the pressure!

After all, it's one thing for us to pressure ourselves.  But, we sure don't have to take it from anyone else!

So, here's wishing you a great holiday -- one that's drama-free and maybe a little bit interesting (in a good way :)

Have a Very Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year!

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Being Thankful for Yourself :)

First, let me say how great it was to see so many of you at the Finding Real Love: Trick or Treat talk in October.  I was a little nervous, but you guys were great and I can't wait to do it again!  There's also a link to the ULV Campus Times article (under Talks/Teaching/Education), if you haven't seen it yet!

The night of the talk, I couldn't help but notice how much energy there was in the room.  We all want to find a good relationship, so it was great to hear everyone share about what works and what doesn't. 

I think the topic that was the most fun was "what to talk about" and "what not to talk about" on a first date.  (First Date Guidelines, courtesy of Andrew Whaling, MFT)  I think the topic that was the most poignant was when we discussed how people in good marriages keep each other’s “story” in the forefront of their minds (see Recommends/The Good Marriage). 

These partners not only celebrate each other’s victories, they also keep in mind each other’s vulnerabilities.  They are aware of their partner’s tender areas and they go out of their way to be sensitive to them. 

As we get ready for the holidays, no matter where we are in our journey to find a good relationship, it can be tempting to compare ourselves to others. But, this might be a good time to try appreciating ourselves instead. 

Maybe we could begin by treating ourselves the way partners in good relationships treat each other.  We could remember to keep in mind our own unique “story” and where we come from.  We might try “celebrating our victories” and “being sensitive to our tender areas.” 

Maybe we could even give ourselves a little extra TLC this holiday season. 

Some ways we could do that might include: 

• Putting yourself on your own Christmas list…. sometimes even something inexpensive can make you feel really special


• If you’re spending time with your family-of-origin (the one you grew up in), enjoy what is good about your family, but also take good care of yourself. And remember sometimes you can only “take so much of a good thing”  ;)


• Staying in touch with people and places where you feel loved and safe – close friends, a counselor and/or support group, and let’s not forget our pets :)


• Setting aside time for your favorite holiday traditions … a favorite Christmas performance or church service, or an act of generosity for someone less fortunate… whatever makes you feels extra good during the holidays 

Remember “living our lives today” is one of the best ways to attract a good relationship.  Plus, when we develop the art of appreciating the love we do have (including the love we have for ourselves), we’ll be more ready for the love that is coming. 

So maybe this Thanksgiving, it would be okay to start with being thankful for yourself -- for all you are, for all you’ve come through to get here, and for all you are becoming.

Blessings to you,

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Finding Real Love: Trick Or Treat?

Welcome, 

We all want to have a good relationship. 

I hope you find information here to help you find the love deserve!

I'm including a copy of the "Finding Real Love: Trick or Treat" article, that I wrote for the Glendora Community News this month.  (click on article to view and print full-sized) 

I hope you enjoy it.

Take Good Care,

Vondie

p.s.

Watch for the November Newsletter --  Coming Soon!!!

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.